Driving to my god-awful job this morning there appeared before me a landmass of a Land Rover. Not an uncommon sight in Johannesburg where it’s a necessity to have a vehicle so fucking big it doesn't fit into regular parking bays so one either has to use up two bays or squeeze some regular considerate normal sized car parker through his boot or passenger door. This one was different. It had a personalised plate.
Normally I wouldn't give a fuck. If you’ve got and extra 5 grand to piss away for 8 letters on two pieces of plastic then well fucking done to you.
This Land Rover’s p-plate was ‘LANDY 6’. Well fuck me! I’ve seen a SLK 55 with the plate ‘SLK55AMG’, a Porsche 911 with ‘911TURBO’ and so on. What sort of unimaginative cunt does that? Was the standard issue model badge thing not big enough? Did it fall off? Is repeating yourself a mental itch? Duplication a design trend? Need to highlight the fact that you're much more successful to other less fortunate drivers? That aside, my problem with ‘LANDY 6’ was that five other cunts got in there first. Imagine being a fly on the wall at the licensing department as they went through all the options to get to 6.
So here are my top 6 songs for those ‘out-of-the-box-blue-sky’ thinkers whose personal number plates match the model of their car. They're totally interchangeable with songs picked for meaningless power point presentations about ‘drilling down’, ‘core values’, ‘taking it to the next level’ and 'kicking it up a gear'. God knows I’ve sat through a few of those…
R. Kelly- I believe I can fly
Roxette – Dressed for success
Johnny Nash – I can see clearly now
Matthew Wilder – Break my stride
Sound of Music – Climb every mountain
Survivor – Eye of the tiger
Oh, and anything by Coldplay
Use them to inspire. Use them to reach out. Use them to fuck off.
MELVIN (hates everything)